Over and over in my head

My mood: bullied :(

So here is just some random venting and if you know me at all you know where this is coming from... too damn compassionate and caring Gina. Gah! I wish she would just go away sometimes!!!

I play the strong one because Im tired of being broken down, but why cant my heart just shut off the caring emotion for just a day. If I could be as careless and inconsiderate and shut off the emotion in me that gets me so fired up. I know Im doing the right thing, ok well I believe so. I am not going to keep giving and giving and keep being hurt over and over again. I miss my best friend, I miss the carefree fun loving me. Im still the happy smiling girl but underneath all that... I am still so sore at the core. Yeah, as strong as Ive been, tonight is going to be that night I just breakdown... I fell it boiling over. I know I say Im fine and Im good, and I am, and I always will be. But that doenst take the hurt out anymore. They say time heals all pain, but does it really? How much time is really enough?

I really just want everyone to be happy and I wish I could take on everyone's heartache and pain, and you all know that I usually am that person. Is this the stage where I start feeling sorry? I mean denial, pity, sorry? Is that how it goes? I feel like I have new eyes on and I havent been all I can and should be, we all slip and fall, but are a few mistakes really this deserving by karma? Dont get me wrong, I am so blessed!!!! I thank God everyday for the wonderful people in my life, and the wonderful people he has shown me to get closer to the last few weeks, but when does the sorrys stop? I know I am a great person with a heart of gold, everyone tells me that. Then how come others dont see that?

I put others first because thats how I am, as long as everyone else is happy, I am satisfied. I guess the hunger from "satisfied" to "full" are a far distance though. Like in Twilight, the animal blood satisfies but human blood fills. Ugh! I hate careless people, but for once why cant I get a break and be that person? The person who doesnt care who gets hurt as long as I would have what I wanted and the person who could lie to get what I want and know I would always be forgiven because someone else (me) is stupid enough to keep doing it.

There are make you and break you moments in life, and I will NEVER be broke down, I refuse to. But for some reason that one heartstring keeps playing its sad song in the back of the steady beat that keeps me going. Sorry just venting...